His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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