i don't like sucking hair
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize