she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
