I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
