I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
