I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
