my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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