I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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