I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
