my being single is dangerous.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
