i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
