I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
