If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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