i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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