So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
