I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
