it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
