time to smoke my breakfast
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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