i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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