It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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