This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
