Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
