yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
