I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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