Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
