dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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