first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were trust falling into bushes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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