Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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