I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
