I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
