were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
