I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
