I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize