New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
