YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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