And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
