all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
