Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can you bring me the toilet please
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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