kristin has been a bad kristin
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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