Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
