i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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