if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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