genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
