the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
FUCK WHALES
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
