my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
