he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
