Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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