I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
