You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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