I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
