I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
