Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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