meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
