How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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