there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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