We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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