Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
