oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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