She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
