Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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