wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
