Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize