We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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