I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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