either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
