If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
