I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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